It’s 2020. Stop Eating Unmodified Frozen Pizza.

It%27s+2020.+Stop+Eating+Unmodified+Frozen+Pizza.

Photo by Luxe Palmer

By Luxe Palmer, Co-Editor-In-Chief

Due to the fact that most of the demographic trafficking this website consists of high school students, frozen pizza is not a mystery to most. It’s easy, its convenient; just take it out of the box and cook it for ten minutes at 450°F in the oven. Done. No hassle of kneading dough, taste-testing marinara, or shredding mozzarella. It’s the best invention in the world, right???

Wrong.

Unless you get yours from an artisanal frozen pizza stand at your local organic farmer’s market, frozen pizza from the actual grocery store is pretty bland, or possibly even bordering on disgusting. BUT- BUT- THEY’RE SO CONVENIENT. Don’t worry, you don’t have to abandon your handy after-school snack in favor of un-ageusia-inflicted tastebuds. Here’s how to properly zhoosh up your everyday frozen pizza:

Start off with your average-joe frozen pizza bought at literally anywhere. This one’s from Costco.

You can add anything to pizza to make it interesting, but the key to making it taste good is garlic. Mince as much garlic as you want (ranging from tasteful Italian chef to obsessive sanguivoriphobia) and sprinkle evenly over your pie.

Tomatoes add a flash of juice and a pop of color to any pizza, frozen pizzas not excluded. Slice and distribute as many as you’d like (ranging from pleasant Margherita-style to Leaning-Tower-of-Solanum lycopersicum)

For the non-vegetarian, meat is pretty much a must on pizza. Take some fantastic salami or pepperoni and slice into slivers, sprinkling it on just like the other toppings (ranging from pleasantly brawny glitter to Viking-style shower of charcuterie).

Frozen pizza is always under-seasoned- even the least gourmet epicure can pick up on the lack thereof. Precipitate (ranging from a savory drizzle to a Mediterranean monsoon) your desired herbs, spices, and oils on the pizza, including, but not limited to, Herbes de Provence, salt, pepper, and olive oil.

Promptly follow with shavings of a fancy cheese to offset the $3.34 frozen ‘za. My personal recommendation is Parmigiano-Reggiano, but don’t be afraid to go crazy with pecorino, grana, or even dollops of goat cheese (ranging from a Vermont flurry to a Wisconson blizzard).

Other Additions That I Didn’t Have In My Pantry But Totally Dress Up A Frozen Pizza:

  • fresh basil or rosemary
  • arugula
  • chopped chives
  • mushrooms
  • more mozzarella
  • pineapple
  • pretty much anything you’d put on a regular pizza

Cook in the oven at the designated temperature for the designated time, designated on the pizza box.

See, doesn’t that look 100% better than a non-jazzed-up frozen pizza? Tastes just as good as a handmade pizza, minus the kneading of the dough, taste-testing of the marinara, or shredding of the mozzarella. The basic rule is: minimum effort, maximum flavor. Just modify your frozen pizzas already.

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